Kris Aquino’s photo and other no-nos in the makeover of Sen. Bong Revilla’s new home

SEN. Bong Revilla and his distraught family during an all-night vigil with supporters in Bacoor before his surrender. (www.inquirer.net)

SEN. Bong Revilla and his distraught family, including Rep. Lani Mercado and Cavite Vice Gov. Jolo Revilla,  during an all-night vigil with supporters in Bacoor before his surrender. (www.inquirer.net)

NOW he’s complaining of the heat and presence of rats and roaches. This comes just a day after detained Sen. Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr. waved to fans and journalists, and preened and smiled before a photographer while having his mug shots taken prior to being moved to the newly built Philippine National Police custodial center at Camp Crame. Welcome to the real world, Kap!Crimeandpunishmentcover

The one-window, one-room affair, a far cry from the senator’s palatial and air-conditioned homes in Metro Manila and Cavite, is said to be causing him migraine attacks. If it were up to his ever-faithful wife, Rep. Lani Mercado, she would give the cell a makeover, pronto!

the-purpose-driven-lifeWell, as long as the money would come from their pockets and not from taxpayers, I’m all for it. Before you start raising your eyebrows, allow me to explain. We need to give the accused a few basic creature comforts so he could last until his trial for plunder is brought to its logical conclusion.

The heat is on

Of course, I draw the line at having an air con installed in the senator’s detention cell. For all we know, the heat would do him some good.

It could trim off his excess weight so he would be his old self again should fate allow him to film the next “Panday” installment behind bars. If he’s indeed guilty, the heat would provide him with ample training before he is subjected to the fires of eternal damnation. But that’s getting ahead of this developing story.

Indeed, cosmetic changes befitting the new home of the action star-turned-politician-turned-jailbird wouldn’t hurt. In fact, having featured quite a number of homes in the course of my work as a lifestyle journalist, I have a few a pieces of unsolicited advice to Lani before she embarks on her beautification project.

WELL, he seems happy to be there. (www.inquirer.net)

WELL, he seems happy to be there. (www.inquirer.net)

Here goes:

1. Lani intends to have a bookshelf built to place all the senator’s reading materials, including a Bible and several inspirational books. Well and good. But no matter how invested he is in his renewed Christian faith, Bong would soon grow tired even of the Good Book.

MAN doesn't live by chicken soup alone

MAN doesn’t live by chicken soup alone

And how many times can a sane, rational man like him read motivational stuff like “Chicken Soup for the Soul,” “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” “Purpose Driven Life” and “Tuesdays with Morrie” without going bonkers?

Reading list

Original-edition-book-cover_580May I suggest that Lani run to the nearest National Bookstore to look for these classics and bestsellers to add to the senator’s mini library: “Crime and Punishment,” “Gulag Archipelago,” “The Green Mile,” “Orange is the New Black,” “Long Walk to Freedom,” and “The Prisoner of Zenda,” to name a few.

For good measure, she can add “The Count of Monte Cristo,” “Dead Man Walking,” “Midnight Express” and “In Cold Blood” to her husband’s reading fare. These titles ought to inspire Bong to hold on, count the days and keep the faith.

2. Lani also plans to bring framed family photos to the detention center to remind her husband of loved ones back home. Sweet! Talk about the injustice of jailing an ideal family man who to this day insists on his innocence. Boo-hoo! The mere thought makes me tear up.

And since Bong is still held in esteem by not a few of his artista colleagues, it would also be good if Lani could tell her interior designer to set aside a wall dedicated to framed photographs of the actor-politician’s friends in show biz led by Phillip Salvador.

Kris, begone!

Just a word of advice to the interior designer. Unless he wants the senator’s blood pressure to shoot up, don’t he dare add Kris Aquino’s picture to the gallery. The Queen of All Media’s visage would surely remind Bong of his perceived current nemesis: President Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III, otherwise known as the big brother of Kris.

NO to Kris Aquino's picture

NO to Kris Aquino’s picture

If only the senator would face up to the truth. Any president worthy of his position is duty-bound to have him and his co-accused brought to court given the number and gravity of evidence stacked up against them. Nothing personal, really. But in Bong’s mind, he’s being singled out and “politically persecuted.” Okay, whatever.

One more thing. Lest he lose his job, the interior designer should never under any circumstances include Gretchen Barretto’s image to Bong’s collection of framed photographs. Psst, order daw ’yan ni Mrs.

LAY off Gretchen Barretto's visage as well.

LAY off Gretchen Barretto’s visage as well.

3. We all know that color has a way of changing a person’s mood and even frame of mind. I once came across an article that said blue walls could stimulate critical thinking and creativity among grade-school children.

Since it’s probably, ah, too late for the senator to benefit from that, let’s just base our decision on something else. If he were a green- or blue-eyed fellow, we could easily contrast the wall’s color to his eyes.

Gift from Pepeng Agimat

Alas, his eyes are as dark brown as any Pinoy’s. But, wait, has anyone seen Ramon Revilla Sr. hand an anting-anting (amulet) to Jr. during their makabagbag-damdamin (heart-tugging) farewell to each other? Yes, the one that was videotaped and televised for all the world to see.

If the amulet’s color is blue, then I would suggest that Lani go for peach walls. If it’s green, then it would contrast beautifully with ochre walls. Nice, di ba?

Again, upon the wifey’s instructions, I heard from the grapevine that orange and striped black-and-white walls should be avoided at all cost. These color schemes reportedly give the senator palpitations and sleepless nights.

What about you? Do you have any suggestions and ideas on how to make the honorable gentleman from Cavite’s jail cell more livable and Shangri-La-worthy of its occupant’s fateful role in this republic’s unfolding history? Let’s hear it.

THEN suddenly, he found religion. (www. inquirer.net)

THEN suddenly, he found religion. (www. inquirer.net)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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